I guess that is the best word to describe my state of emotion right now. I was happy and excited about an upcoming trip to Eugene. The prospect of catching up with friends. Visiting family. Soaking up in what was familiar. Now, we may not fly back at all. The primary purpose for our trip was to be there for my dad's upcoming wedding. Something that I was happy about earlier is now something that is, at this moment in time, a source of frustration and hurt for me. Okay, I'm happy that Dad's happy, but...(big sigh)...
Okay, I can respect the fact that weddings are special events. You can invite whomever you choose. They can be big extravaganzas. They can be small, private affairs. They can happen in a church. They can happen on the beach. They can happen while jumping out of an airplane. They can happen anywhere. But, if you're going to tell someone (especially your daughter) that you would love to have that person there, then change the date and say, well, we really would rather have a private ceremony, and you're not welcome...ugh. It's irritating.
I guess that the best way I can describe how I'm feeling right now is kind of like how I felt after a boy broke up with me. A little dejected. Hurt. Frustrated. Confused. Not quite the massive heartache that comes with a break-up, just a little tinge, but it's there none-the-less.
Ugh...I'm so mad right now. Sad. Frustrated. I would have at least liked to have been able to meet the person who is going to be my step-mother before she took that title. I feel like her kids get more consideration than Dustin and I do. Heck, we're having 3 new people added to our family that we know virtually nothing about. One of them happens to be a girl. I'm going to have a little sister. I don't know how I really like that part. Maybe I'm being selfish right now, but I am my daddy's little girl. Is she going to usurp my *throne*? Is she going to take my place in my daddy's heart and life? I may be twenty-six, but that doesn't mean that my need for him decreases. Truthfully, I desire to have a really close relationship with him. To have barriers that had been put up throughout my childhood broken down, the boundaries that had been drawn be redefined. To be able to discuss, openly and freely whatever is going on in our lives--no matter what the subject. Not to be walking in fear, or avoiding whatever the topic may be, but to embrace it and step out into uncharted waters.
Besides, how is this new family going to meld into the one whose framework already exists? I want my parents to still be able to openly communicate. I want them to still be friends. It doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing thing. Heck, to bring a very popular saying to light: What would Jesus do?
Okay, I guess now that I've gotten a few things off my chest, I am now ready to go to sleep...maybe.