Monday, November 28, 2005
A blue kind of day.
Today has definitely been a bit of a blue day for me. I am not completely sure what started the downward emotional spiral. All I know is that my not-quite-finished turkey (the thermometer read one temperature, but when I started to carve the bird, it was pink and definitely not finished roasting) and then the fact that I lost 3 games in a row of Carcassonne to Rob did not help matters any. Maybe the dreary weather is affecting my mood. Possibly my sore throat? Aidan was kind of grumpy today. David was a bit on the obnoxious side, and I nearly tripped over him 3 or 4 times while working in the kitchen earlier--yikes!
To top it off, my thoughts keep lingering to my dad's wedding. The fact that he had nobody there standing up for him. The fact that my grandparents weren't invited. The fact that Dustin and I really were not invited either. The fact that Darleen, in her e-mails, kept mentioning how cute her son Kyle was going to look in his tuxedo--a constant applying of salt to an open wound. Almost rubbing it in that my brother and I were not asked to be a part of the wedding. Our presence wasn't solicited...not wanted...not valued. It's going to be like ripping open a healing wound when we go back to Eugene in January and will have the pictures shown to us. Openly flaunting my absence from this big event. Truly, if one partner's children weren't invited, should the other's children be there either? I don't really think so. If it was going to be a *private* ceremony, shouldn't it have just been the pastor, the bride and the groom? Did anyone use good judgment or common sense here? (I'll just leave this as a rhetorical question...)
I know, I know...I keep mentally/emotionally rehashing the whole thing. I keep trying to let it go, but it keeps coming back to haunt me. I keep trying to take these thoughts captive--to only think on pure, lovely, holy and just things, to make my thoughts obedient to Christ; however, I'm really having difficulty seeing past my pain...my heart feeling like it keeps being broken over and over and over again. A part of me just wants to shut it out...to not allow myself to think or feel about it anymore...anesthetizing the hurt. Then again, that's not a healthy road to take. Guess that one of the things that really gets me is that no one really seems to genuinely care (well, none of the involved parties anyways...I know that there are some people who care).
Guess that the positive of all of this though is the fact that tomorrow is another day. The day is a clean slate--unmarred by anything that has happened today. One of my favorite quotes is: Life is 10% what happens to you, 90% how you react to it. I know that God is going to help me through this. Only he knows what the overall outcome is going to be. My whole being just needs to be in tune to what he is wanting me to do and to walk in obedience to him.
LORD...I'm crying out to you now--please heal my pain. I lay down everything before you. Mold me into the woman you desire for me to be. I'm here Lord. Speak to me, your child, who is listening and waiting on you. Amen.